Living to my OWN expectations

As a Right Brain extravert, I often feel I constantly live in a world of trying to live up to other people's expectations; and let me tell you, I rarely measure up. Being a Psychology major, willing to spend a lot of time on self-development, and after spending a year studying with Linda, Im more often than not able to hide these feelings and plod along ... yet on occasion I spin myself into a whirlwind of inadequacy emotions, and I have to find a way to struggle out.

Part of the reason that I love Parelli is that horses are SO fair with how they judge us. And the more I learn about their psychology, the more I can adjust my behavior and gain a desired response. My RBE mare is actually very aloof and not very loving, so when I get those moments where I can actually feel her want to be in my space, want to snuggle (for lack of a less anthropomorphic word), I know I've hit the jackpot. These are the moments that I know, my horsemanship is living up to my expectations ... and even better yet, to my horses!

The problem is those moments of detachment and lack of center ... those moments when that whirlwind of emotion takes me away, and all I can think of and focus on is everything that I must be doing "wrong" and everything I "should" be doing differently.

Recently in New Mexico I was caught by one of these whirlwinds ... and as per usual it picked me up spun me around, and waited for my ego to release me so I could grab onto something solid, and find my center again. In theory, so that I could be even stronger to resist it the next time around. The long and the short of it is that I brought Damo to New Mexico, because I knew I was teaching at a gorgeous facility (4 Winds Equestrian Center), and I would have time to play with her.

Now, Damo and I spent this last winter in Pagosa Springs, and it was cold and snowy, and absolutely beautiful. I LOVED it. Of course this meant that riding athletically and asking for correct posture was limited, because Damo and I spent most of our time goofing around in the snow, playing with tricks, or spending undemanding time. The anthropomorphic side of me said that she had given me SO much in the year of 2012 ... 26 states, 7 tour stops, temperatures ranging from 4 degrees to 106 degrees ... that it was time for both of us to relax, get back to the root of our connection.

Damo has been almost solely my responsibility since I was 10 years old. I took her with me to college, I have cared for her through her entire 14 years, and I take that as a large responsibility. She wintered fantastically in Pagosa, but for some reason during these last 4 weeks, she started to loose weight a bit. Of course I noticed and began bringing her in for extra feed, but we all know how that goes, often when you see your horses twice a day every day, that sorta thing can sneak up on you. So now we are headed back in the right direction, but between being a bit skinny, and not carrying herself well, Damo doesn't look her best.

Enter ... stupid emotional whirlwind ....

I began playing with her at 4 Winds, and that little voice in my head kept saying ... "She's a terrible example of a Parelli horse." "Look how that dip in front of her withers is back." "Her HQ is under muscled." Then comes stage 2 .... "Linda would be so disappointed." "You can't take her to the Tour stop in 6 weeks." "Heck, you shouldn't even be an instructor, you're a terrible example of Parelli."

So I try to breathe and relax, and re-center myself through all of this ... but it just gets worse and worse. Finally I decide to head back to her pen. I let her go ... and walk away for a bit. When I came back she was lying down. Since Damo is so RBE, often me approaching her when she is lying down is very tough for her. I went to the gate, which was super hard to open, expecting and waiting for her to get up. she stayed down, just looking at me. I went in and sat with her, she bent her head around and put it in my lap and we sat like that for about twenty minutes (like FOR real twenty minutes, not RBE exaggerating twenty minutes!).

Then she got up, very softly, giving me lots of warning to get out of her way ... which I did and then I walked to the gate. She followed and I haltered her and we headed to the arena. I saddled and it was the best saddling I've had in ages (any of you that have seen the August 2012 Mastery DVD know that this has been a challenge) ... then bridling, she took the bit on her own completely willingly. Then riding, trot with rhythm, beautiful, sideways, beautiful, canter, correct lead both directions, beautiful, then we played with some Game of Contact. For only the second or third time I felt her MENTALLY understand that the contact was neutral, she was relaxed and settled on the bit. Now the athleticism may not have been what we have had moments of, but the mental and emotional connection surpassed most of what I have ever had with her. She allowed for me to play the game and she didn't get emotional, she just played back.

I slid off, and we had one of the best sweat patterns I've seen in ages ;). Calm and connected we walked back to her pen. She stayed totally connected to me  ... with very little draw to he left over food. In all it felt like a beautiful session.

I could feel most of that worry and anxiety begin to fade away. But some of it was still there in the background. I began to think about what I had felt and accomplished in my session, and I came to two realizations. First was that ... in good horse training we have a tri-fecta of mental, emotional and physical development. I was beating myself up over neglecting the physical when I had clearly gained so much in the other two spheres. Secondly, I realized that most of my emotion was caused over what would my fellow Parelli Professionals and students and Linda and Pat "think" of my horsemanship. Was I living up to what their expectations of me would be? Was I good enough?

Again I tried to breathe and find that "I am Enough." And I centered on what Damo had given me and the connection I had felt. And that was when I truly found another level of wanting the only expectations to matter to be my own ... and my horses. What I believe to be my own expectations are often clouded by what others will think because I allow it, but Damo's expectations are clear. And the more I focused on that ... and realized that she lives in every moment, not the past or the future, but in this now ... I began to find that that was what I wanted, to be the best horseman I could be in this now, and not worry about the past or the future. Focus on this moment, and be as positive, progressive and natural as I can be.

Thank you for your respect and compassion in listening to my story ;).
Lillan Roquet
Parelli Licensed 3* Instructor